25 lessons on my 25th birthday :)

25 life lessons on my 25th birthday

My last year has been one of the richest years in my life, in terms of the severity of experiences and lessons learned from them. And although some learning chapters aren’t closed yet, and when it becomes tough the lingering depression in me makes me consider giving up, (I also blame the post-modern world for this attitude) I’m hopeful because as long as we learn and ponder, what’s coming will only be better, Insha’Allah.

Let’s get right into it :)

Inner thoughts:

1- Gratitude is a state of heart. When you’re unable to be thankful to Allah for His countless blessings or to the people around you, know that your heart is clouded and check it. I’m thankful for another year and thankful for everything I’ve got because I’ve got a lot. Alhamdulillah.

  

2- Constant reflection is the key to success. In other words, tazkiyya. Having good shiny amazing values isn’t enough if you don’t implement them in your life. Do the work.

3- Adulthood sucks, big time. Everything you do in the adult world has consequences that are beyond what you could imagine. But again, you don’t become an adult simply because you’ve aged or you’re doing adult things. You have to do the work. Be an adult, be a responsible human being. That’s the only way you grow.

4- If you’re in a place where you’re lost and your principals are being tested, follow the guidance of the prophet PBUH. Humans are flawed and biased. Take the lead of he who makes no mistakes sallaAllahu 3alyh wasallam.

5- Everything is a state of heart really. Subhanallah. If you’re unhappy, check your heart and fix your relationship with your Lord before pointing fingers at problems outside of you.

6- Hatred and anger are two of the worst feelings a person can hold in their heart. Try to get rid of them for yourself before anyone else. 

7- There’s a difference between decrees that can be changed, that you should strive to change, and decrees that you aren’t meant to change. It takes a lot of wisdom to differentiate and understand the implications of each.

8- In this modern world, we have tiny tolerance for discomfort and jump straight to radical decisions. Everything around us encourages us to give up, replace people, and start over. But patience takes us a long way, is encouraged by our prophet PBUH and is key to a happy marriage.

9- Enhancing your relationship with Allah and the Quran is a necessity —ولقد نعلم أنك يضيق صدرك بما يقولون فسبح بحمد ربك وكن من الساجدين. To be able to have إحسان to those who hurt you, and to be able to be the bigger person requires a mental and emotional capacity of putting your feelings and grudges aside when dealing with people to be in the right in the eyes of Allah SWT. It’s so difficult that no human can attain it on their own, there must be a constant input of إيمان. It’s just inhuman otherwise.

10- The grass is always greener on the other side. Stop saying “if only”.

11- I owe my parents SO much for instilling in me a seed of goodness that pulls me back whenever I go astray. 

12- Honesty isn’t always the best policy. Some things are better untold. 

13- Love yourself for the sake of yourself, and your children. Invest in yourself to become a role model to your children, and exercise so you can play around with them as they grow.

14- In my journey to actualize my name, and become a Rahma (mercy) to people around me, I’ve seen this year an immense amount of cruelty that had me contrast and realize how destructive it is to the people around. The worst of them all is cruelty towards family members. May we be merciful people always.

15- Exile is brutal. 

16- In general, I feel like most people don’t know what they’re doing. At least I don’t, and that’s fine, as long as I have Allah by my side guiding me. As I grow, decisions become tougher and tougher, and I never wanted to grow honestly, but I’m hopeful that our days will pass swiftly, with the least damage possible, and the closest we can get to righteousness. Amen

People:

17- “There is no good in people who do not give advice,” prophet PBUH says. But beware whom you ask for advice! Not everyone wants good for you, you don’t want to expose yourself in front of people who will use everything you say against you in a blink of an eye.

18- Do not expect people to understand or sympathize, they’ll never know. Only Allah knows and that’s what should matter. Let them judge you all they want, the sooner you stop caring what people think about you, the sooner you’ll be able to reach peace.

19- Better off, don’t put yourself in a position where you expect things from people at all. Be the person who gives, who provides, who listens, not the person who’s vulnerable and weak and needs people, in any sense. Let your weaknesses only be shown to Allah swt.  اعلم أن شرف المؤمن قيامه بالليل وعزه استغناؤه عن الناس

20- I hate the fact that in our societies, adults aren’t held accountable. I pray that I know how to say sorry when I grow up. 

21- Having good friends wherever you go is the biggest blessing ever.

Marriage:

22- Marriage doesn’t make you a better person by default, and neither is it your spouse’s responsibility. Muslim social media influencers romanticize couples' Islamic activities all the time, which is of course beautiful—but as much as it’s important and necessary to have companions on your path to Allah, your journey to Him is inherently extremely personal. The moment you rely on anyone for your spiritual well-being, be that your parents, spouse, or even sheikh: know that you’re doomed.

23- Marriage is the most dynamic and complex relationship in the world. So many layers and factors and changes and fluctuations happen every hour. No one in the world has a right to evaluate your marriage or push you toward being unsatisfied with what you have.

24- On a related note, comparison is cancer.

25- Lastly, marriage in the eyes of Allah is incredibly sacred ميثاق غليظ — careful what you advise married people about their relationships, one word that you give no thought to can destruct a relationship, and that’s a huge sin, being a destructor of marriages. 

I could go on and on and on, but I’ll leave this here for now. My new year resolution is to be more present and get back to writing. I was shocked to see my last post dates 2019 ehm.

Let’s hope for a more grounded year, full of gratitude, love of Allah, and mercy.

Rahma Fateen

Letter to my baby brother

Dear Dawood,

I'm not sure when this will reach you, but I hope your life is then and always full of happiness and success.
As I write this, you're marking exactly 98 days outside mummy's tummy. You have a very bad fever as the weather the past week has been very unpredictable, reaching extremes in a matter of few hours. You kept mom awake for 3 days straight. Even I, yesterday besides my insomnia, whenever I started to drift you'd wake me up with your wails. I even got out of bed twice to see whats wrong with mama why isn't she carrying you, then walk back to bed as I discover that mom is doing all she could, desperately in need of sleep, and all you do is cry.

You know what, we're both lucky with the greatest mother in the world. She never ever ever complains, she never tells me to do housework. Even sometimes when I'm on my desk in front of books, ages away from my finals, supposedly studying - but daydreaming as usual, and she'd want to go out buy groceries or something, I'd catch her at the door taking you with her and I'm like "Ma! Leave him I'll take care of him" and all she thinks is that I'm studying she shan't disturb me. I have not met a mother in the whole world who does the same.

Also I realized and felt for the first time the hidden unconditional love she holds for us. I used to get really mad because she never expresses her love to me in a physical form (hugs, kisses, words..), but I grew up to realize that that is her personality and I love her the way she is. However to compensate the need for affection from her, I began to reflect upon everything she does, the huge amounts of bestowal she provides us is there all the time everyday, only I choose to appreciate it, and thank God for her presence.
Nevertheless, I hope you grow up to be expressive, Dawood. (haha :p) And that you give me the space to kiss you and hug you the way I do right now almost eating your adorable chubby cheeks.
Random related thought: Why is it when something looks so cute we feel like we want to eat it? That's really awkward when you find yourself craving a pair of shoes or a MiniCooper.

Anyway, I'm 18 years less 3 months older than you, Dawood. Your eldest sister is 20 years older and she's away for college so you don't see her much, and next year I'm catching up with her! I'll miss you so much! Sometimes I feel that I'm not yet fully absorbing the fact that I have a new baby brother, yet my heart refuses but to save a huge part for you, even though you don't talk yet, you don't express any love to me, you don't help me through hardships or anything at all. Which just proves my point about mom, love is there in our hearts even when we lose/don't have the ability to express it.

You came in very weird and unwelcoming conditions, we weren't much excited about your arrival except 2 weeks before your delivery. Therefore we hadn't decided what to name you either. Actually the day mom went to the hospital dad put three choices, and found himself calling you Dawood right when you came to life. It's like Allah is the one who chose your name, hope you carry as much blessings as that honour.
The funny thing though, it's like we only knew about the many ayahs (verses) in Qura'n speaking about Prophet Dawood when we decided to call you Dawood! Prophet Dawood's qualities are extraordinary!

ولقد اتينا داوود وسليمان علما وقالا الحمد لله الذي فضلنا على كثير من عباده المؤمنين

"And We had certainly given to David and Solomon knowledge, and they said, "Praise [is due] to Allah , who has favored us over many of His believing servants."(27:15)

وورث سليمان داوود وقال يا ايها الناس علمنا منطق الطير واوتينا من كل شيء ان هذا لهو الفضل المبين

"And Solomon inherited David. He said, "O people, we have been taught the language of birds, and we have been given from all things. Indeed, this is evident bounty."(27:16)

ولقد اتينا داوود منا فضلا يا جبال اوبي معه والطير والنا له الحديد

"And We certainly gave David from Us bounty. [We said], "O mountains, repeat [Our] praises with him, and the birds [as well]." And We made pliable for him iron,"(34:10)

ففهمناها سليمان وكلا اتينا حكما وعلما وسخرنا مع داوود الجبال يسبحن والطير وكنا فاعلين

"And We gave understanding of the case to Solomon, and to each [of them] We gave judgement and knowledge. And We subjected the mountains to exalt [Us], along with David and [also] the birds. And We were doing [that]."(21:79)

فهزموهم باذن الله وقتل داوود جالوت واتاه الله الملك والحكمة وعلمه مما يشاء ولولا دفع الله الناس بعضهم ببعض لفسدت الارض ولكن الله ذو فضل على العالمين

"So they defeated them by permission of Allah , and David killed Goliath, and Allah gave him the kingship and prophethood and taught him from that which He willed. And if it were not for Allah checking [some] people by means of others, the earth would have been corrupted, but Allah is full of bounty to the worlds." (2:251)

يعملون له ما يشاء من محاريب وتماثيل وجفان كالجواب وقدور راسيات اعملوا ال داوود شكرا وقليل من عبادي الشكور

"They made for him what he willed of elevated chambers, statues, bowls like reservoirs, and stationary kettles. [We said], "Work, O family of David, in gratitude." And few of My servants are grateful." (34:13)

لعن الذين كفروا من بني اسرائيل على لسان داوود وعيسى ابن مريم ذلك بما عصوا وكانوا يعتدون

"Cursed were those who disbelieved among the Children of Israel by the tongue of David and of Jesus, the son of Mary. That was because they disobeyed and [habitually] transgressed."(5:78)

اصبر على ما يقولون واذكر عبدنا داوود ذا الايد انه اواب

"Be patient over what they say and remember Our servant, David, the possessor of strength; indeed, he was one who repeatedly turned back [to Allah ]." (38:17)

يا داوود انا جعلناك خليفة في الارض فاحكم بين الناس بالحق ولا تتبع الهوى فيضلك عن سبيل الله ان الذين يضلون عن سبيل الله لهم عذاب شديد بما نسوا يوم الحساب

"[We said], "O David, indeed We have made you a successor upon the earth, so judge between the people in truth and do not follow [your own] desire, as it will lead you astray from the way of Allah ." Indeed, those who go astray from the way of Allah will have a severe punishment for having forgotten the Day of Account." (38:26)

You had to see grandma fangirling and praying wholeheartidly that you carry the same qualities. I pray that you become like the Prophet (pbuh) and be the one who will get rid of Israel and save Palestine one day 'insha'Allah!

I guarantee you a very exciting life 'insha'Allah. Having many elder siblings each on the edge of life changing points and decisions, besides living in Egypt where there are revolutions every other year, clashes, jail and court visits, you'll never be bored!

I hope I get the chance to be a close friend to you, to teach you all what I've learned through experience so that you become better than all of us. I wish to create a fingerprint in your essence to make you the great person you will become one day, 'insha'Allah.
I love you so much.

Yours truly,
your second oldest sister/sibling,
Rahma.

Rahma Fateen

Dear Daisy -4

...
I'm worried about me though. Daisy, I'm in my worst state in my whole life. Nothing physical, and actually nothing even mental either. Like when I look at it I feel like I can't put my hands on the problem itself to fix it.

I'm lost. Like a baby who lost his mama. I lost my soul. The light in my soul, I'm not attracted to anything, I have no interests or hates. I don't know what I want from myself and from the world. I don't know what to do or where to go, I don't know myself.
I don't know why I'm such a fuss over nothing, people have expectations and everyone sees me somewhere and I don't know where I belong.
I'm empty. Empty from the inside, hence when someone talks to me or comes to me for help I have nothing to say, and when I actually try my words come out so messed up, weird, scattered and unrelated, just like its source, each part of it is somewhere God knows where and I can't locate them.
The things that used to make me special are all gone, and it took with it even everything that is ordinary, leaving me without any maps or keys to doors that are half open or that are yet undiscovered.

I'm walking on a road, my problem isn't that the road is full of obstacles, I know I'm strong and with help from God I'll face whatever is awaiting me (Inshaallah), the point is that the road under my feet is looking just like the grass on either sides, I no more see details. I have the flashlight just below my feet so that I could survive and take the next step, but my life doesn't have enough light to show me my way so that I can plan and aspire ahead of me. My soul hasn't any light and I don't even know the type of batteries that fit inside me. I have different kinds and sets and all are available, but I don't know which works with my heart.

...

I was going to end this letter right now, not willing to trouble you any further with a hopeless case, but I was just speaking with a very wise friend and realized something.

I think I know why I feel that way. Whenever I feel something, distress, fear, loss, hate, love or anything, I hurry to tell someone. Indeed I do choose people carefully, but what if its not (people) whom I should express to?

Whatever or however I explain my minor feelings or thoughts to someone, then we discuss it, and reach a conclusion to the reason why I feel/think so, it's never true.
I, myself, was created incomplete and in the process of discovering my jewels throughout my life, how do I expect people to understand? Not undermining anyone, but whatever conclusion we reach, both the experience of the listener and description of the speaker (me) is never going to be accurate. Never.

Why?

Because feelings are so complicated, no one knows them as much as their Creator, who knows and remembers the past, present and future of it's holder.
I reached this state because I've been seeking wrong refuge for my insecurities. I've been looking for the wrong cure. Like a baby who silences it's cries in hugs of many women, but only feels satisfaction in his real mom's arms.

My arrows have always been disorienting me, and I'm happy with any lead, then later wondering why I'm lost.

Hahhaha.

I'm happy with this explanation I've reached, finally got to outline my problem. Alhamdullah.



Yours,
Rahma Fateen

Extract from Tafsir Zilal - Muhammad, Death and Reward

Āl `Imrān (The House of `Imrān) - Verse 144\145
آل عمران - آية 144\145

"Muĥammad is only a messenger: all messengers have passed away before him. If then, he dies or is slain, will you turn about on your heels? He that turns about on his heels will not harm God in any way. God will reward those who are grateful [to Him]."


"وَمَا مُحَمَّدٌ إِلا رَسُولٌ قَدْ خَلَتْ مِنْ قَبْلِهِ الرُّسُلُ. أَفَإِنْ مَاتَ أَوْ قُتِلَ انْقَلَبْتُمْ عَلَى أَعْقَابِكُمْ. وَمَنْ يَنْقَلِبْ عَلَى عَقِبَيْهِ فَلَنْ يَضُرَّ اللَّهَ شَيْئًا وَسَيَجْزِي اللَّهُ الشَّاكِرِينَ"
This verse refers to a particular incident which took place during the Battle of Uĥud. The Prophet had stationed a detachment of soldiers on top of the mountain behind the Muslim army. They were the rearguard, equipped with bows and arrows to repel any attack launched against the Muslim army from behind. When the battle appeared to be all over, most of them left their positions, against the express orders of the Prophet. A battalion of the enemy forces were thus able to go round the mountain and attack the Muslims from the rear. The Prophet himself was injured: his front teeth were broken, and his face was bleeding.

The situation became chaotic and the Muslim army was in disarray. At this moment, someone cried out: “Muĥammad is killed!” Such a great shock was this to the Muslims, that many of them turned round to return to Madinah. They went up into the mountain, shattered, defeated, in despair. However, the Prophet himself, with a small group of his Companions, stood firm. He called to his Companions as they began to retreat. When they heard him, they began to rally. God helped them regain their moral strength and allowed them to be overtaken by a momentary slumber so as to give them strength, security and reassurance, as will be explained later.

This sequence of events is used in the Qur’ān to drive home to the Muslims certain fundamental principles about life and death and the history of Divine faith: “Muĥammad is only a messenger: all messengers have passed away before him. If then, he dies or is slain, will you turn about on your heels?” Muĥammad (pbuh) is simply a messenger, having been preceded by all other messengers. He will die as other messengers have died before him. This is an elementary fact. How is it then that the Muslims show themselves to be oblivious of this fact when it stared them in the face during the battle?

Muĥammad (pbuh) is a messenger of God, entrusted with the task of conveying His message. God is Eternal and His word never dies. Believers should never turn on their heels if the messenger who has come to convey God’s word to them dies or is killed. This is also an elementary fact which the Muslims, in their great confusion, overlooked.

Human beings die and perish, while the faith survives. The way of life God has designed for mankind has its own entity; it is independent of those who convey it to people, be they messengers or believers. Every Muslim loves God’s Messenger (pbuh). His Companions loved him as no one had ever been loved before. They were ready to sacrifice their lives in order to spare him the slightest pain. One of his Companions, Abū Dujānah, stood as a shield to protect the Prophet, was hit by numerous arrows in the back and yet he never stirred. Only nine of his Companions were close to him when he was targeted by a determined attack by the unbelievers, and those nine defended him most courageously, until they were all killed. Many others in every generation and in all places continue to love him with all their hearts. Every Muslim who loves Muĥammad (pbuh) in such a way is required to distinguish between the Prophet as a person, and the faith he has conveyed to mankind and left intact for all people to accept and implement. It derives its continuity from God, Who never dies.

The message is much older than its advocates: “Muĥammad is only a messenger: all messengers have passed away before him.” They all preached the same message, the roots of which go back to the beginning of history. It starts with the beginning of human life, providing mankind with guidance and peace from the very first day of its existence.

The message is also greater than its advocates and lasts longer. Many of its advocates have come and gone, while it continues to serve as guidance to succeeding generations. Its followers maintain their link with God Almighty, its originator, Who has sent messengers to convey it to mankind. He is Everlasting and believers address their prayers to Him. None of them may turn about on their heels or turn their back on God’s guidance. This explains the stern warning implicit in this verse: “If then, he dies or is slain, will you turn about on your heels? He that turns about on his heels will not harm God in any way. God will reward those who are grateful [to Him].” (Verse 144)

The vivid description of turning back is here to be noted: “Will you turn about on your heels?” The physical movement depicted here brings alive the meaning of abandoning faith as if we see it with our own eyes. The verse does not refer to the physical turning away as a result of defeat in battle. It is more concerned with the psychological turning about when a voice cried out that Muĥammad was killed. Some Muslims felt that there was no point in continuing the fight against the idolaters, since the death of Muĥammad (pbuh) signalled the end of this faith and the end of combat against idolatry. This psychological effect is delineated in terms of turning about on one’s heels, which was a movement that actually took place during the battle. It is this very attitude which Al-Nađīr ibn Anas, a Companion of the Prophet, warned his fellow Muslims against when he saw that many of them had lain down their arms. His retort to their excuse that Muĥammad was dead, was: “What use is life to you after he has died? Get up and die for the cause God’s Messenger (pbuh) has sacrificed his life for.”

“He that turns about on his heels will not harm God in any way.” It is indeed he who is the loser. He who deviates from the path of faith harms himself and causes God no harm. God is in no need of mankind or their worship. It is out of His grace that He has given His servants this constitution for their own good and happiness. Everyone who turns his back on it suffers from confusion and misery. Everything is thus set on the wrong footing. Life itself becomes deviant. People suffer the evil consequences of turning away from the only constitution which provides harmony in life and which achieves harmony between man, his nature and the universe around him.

“God will reward those who are grateful to Him.” They know the great bounty God has given His servants by establishing for them this code of living. They show their gratitude to Him by following this code and praising Him. They reap the benefits of this way of life and achieve total happiness. This is good reward for their gratitude. But they also have an increase of happiness with the reward they receive from God in the hereafter. That is a much greater reward and, unlike everything enjoyed in this world, it is everlasting.

“God will reward those who are grateful to Him.” Those who appreciate God’s bounty and show their gratitude to Him by following His guidance and by glorifying Him find happiness in their lives. Thus are they rewarded for their gratitude, and they will receive an even better reward in the life to come.

Apparently God wanted to wean the Companions of the Prophet from their overenthusiastic attachment to him in person while he was alive among them. Their attachment should be, in the first place, with Islam itself. Their covenants should be made with God directly and they should be made to feel that they are responsible to Him directly. Thus they would feel that their responsibilities continue after the death of the Prophet. Perhaps God also wanted to prepare the Muslim community for the inevitable shock which they were bound to receive when the Prophet died. He certainly knew that his death would be a stunning blow to them. Hence, if they were made to feel that their direct relationship was with Him and His message then they would be able to overcome their shock.

When the Prophet actually died his Companions were stunned, so much so that `Umar drew his sword and threatened anyone who claimed that Muĥammad was dead. Only Abū Bakr, the best example of a true believer in God, was able to take the event in its proper perspective. He read out this verse to the Muslims and it was enough to make them realise that it was only a natural event. With this they were able to turn to God. The Qur’ān in this verse touches on man’s fear of death. It dispels that fear by stating the ever-correct principle of life and death and also of what comes after
life.

"No one can die except by God’s leave, at a term appointed. He who desires the reward of this world, We shall give him thereof and to him who desires the reward of the life to come, We shall give thereof. We shall reward those who are grateful to Us." (Verse 145)


"وَمَا كَانَ لِنَفْسٍ أَن تَمُوتَ إِلَّا بِإِذْنِ اللَّهِ كِتَابًا مُّؤَجَّلًا ۗ وَمَن يُرِدْ ثَوَابَ الدُّنْيَا نُؤْتِهِ مِنْهَا وَمَن يُرِدْ ثَوَابَ الْآخِرَةِ نُؤْتِهِ مِنْهَا ۚ وَسَنَجْزِي الشَّاكِرِينَ"

Every human soul, then, lives up to its appointed time. No one dies before his time. Neither fear, nor the desire to live longer can postpone anyone’s appointed time. Courage and adventure, on the other hand, will not shorten one’s life. As this idea sinks into the minds of the believers they simply do not think of death as they go about fulfilling their responsibilities and carrying out their religious duties. This is the reason why people, throughout the ages, have seen that those who believe in God are not encumbered by their desire to prolong their time on earth or by their fear of what lies ahead. They simply rely on God as they carry out their duties with patience and reassurance. 

Since everybody dies at his or her appointed time then everyone should think of the life to come and should work hard in order to achieve the greater happiness of that life: “He who desires the reward of this world, We shall give him thereof and to him who desires the reward of the life to come, We shall give thereof” (Verse 145)

The gulf between the two types of life is as wide as the gulf between the concerns of those who desire the reward of either one or the other. The length of one’s life on this earth is not affected by the choice one makes. So, he who makes this life his ultimate goal and seeks only its rewards leads a life which is not greatly different from the life of animals, before he dies at the appointed time. On the other hand, he who looks up to the wider horizon leads the life of a true human being whom God has ennobled, to whom He has assigned the mission of building a happy human life on earth. Such a person also dies at his appointed time. 

“We shall reward those who are grateful to Us.” Those who appreciate how God has ennobled man and lift themselves above the standard of animals and show their gratitude to God will certainly be richly rewarded by Him. 

This is how the Qur’ān views the essence of life and death, and the end of human beings as they choose for themselves and determine their preoccupations which can be either petty like those of worms or great like those of man. In this way, the Qur’ān turns our attention from fear of death and worry about duties because we have no say with regard to our life and death. It thus enables us to concentrate on what is of much better use, namely, the life to come. Whichever choice he makes, he will receive from God the reward most appropriate for that choice. 

Rahma Fateen

Apology

Friday, 11 September 2015

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry to the world for existing, I'm sorry to my mom for carrying me in her womb for a whole tough nine months, I'm sorry for all the stress I caused and all the problems I brought with me.

I'm sorry for not being able to love anymore, sorry for seeing the world all negative and black, sorry for not being able to appreciate all the beauty in the world.

Sorry for failing, sorry for regressing, sorry for not crying and acting to be strong, sorry for being sensitive, sorry for caring, sorry for getting attached, sorry for being so soft and fragile, sorry for getting affected so easily.

Sorry for hurting without intending, sorry for intending to, sorry for being hurt, sorry for wishing what I don't have, sorry for not being grateful for what I have, sorry for being selfish, sorry for thinking of myself, sorry for thinking and caring what people would think of me, sorry for being different, sorry for being stereotypical, sorry for being fake, sorry for lying, sorry for being honest, sorry for feeling, sorry for being aggressive, sorry for being rude, sorry for compliments.

Sorry for my opinions, sorry for my writings, sorry for my thoughts, sorry for my smiles and laughs, sorry for my tears, sorry for my stone face, sorry for being and not being good enough, sorry for expressing and not expressing myself, sorry for expecting things from people, sorry for making people expect, sorry for promising, sorry for giving hope.

Sorry for not believing in myself, sorry for blaming everyone, it's time for the blame to be redirected.

I promise to be better, to myself and everyone.

On virtual life.

I have this theory about virtual life, internet social media, or any life activities done behind the screens. I tend to believe that they are not true, it takes me a fair enough of time, and inner energy to live with it and dissolve it into my normal life.

Starting from compliments, apologies, gratitude, love, friendships.. all the way to online shopping and booking. I need to constantly remind myself that my credit card payment actually occurred and I will receive my purchase in a matter of days. It doesn't sink in my thoughts and feelings, but the circumstances force me to accept that it has happened, really happened.

Speaking about people communications, or friendship/love in precision. These days it has become normal for people to meet others online and grow a bond becoming so close in no time, but it does never satisfy any physical/emotional need inside any normal human being, or so I believe. It never is enough, because no matter what both sides show on the screens, its never the full story, so you get close to someone you put in the best-friend rank, you get so attached, or in love, you fill your heart, your thoughts, your "real" life with that *image* you have of that person. Yet you lack physical touch, or feelings which are only transmitted through the rest five senses besides the eyes you read with, ears you hear with.

So, you become so close to X that they literally live inside you, your rib cage shelters a part of their soul, but due to incompleteness, it stays virtual; unreal. Because the part of the soul that's inside you itself is incomplete, thus your smile is incomplete, your happiness is incomplete, your friendship is incomplete, your life is not whole, not real, virtual.

Nothing compensates a hug, for example, a tap on the shoulder when you need to cry. No emojis in the world, no matter what keyboard apps you download will ever be an alternative to experiencing the laugh/cry/grin/blush live. There will always be something missing in the character you're talking to. Half lives, which the speaker chooses to show, thinks gazillion times before exposure, can never be duplicated so we'd create a whole.
The puzzle is not yet complete so you can't figure out the picture printed on it, the picture doesn't exist yet, its unreal. Same goes with humans.

Virtual life doesn't work out with me despite my mere attachment. Our generation needs a "real life", so it would stop depending on virtual life, thus live an incomplete life, and die regretful.
That's it.
Rahma Fateen

Dear Daisy -3

..

Okay back to your email, maybe the good thing about this year is that I've marched through it alone, you have encountered all my stages. Though last week I was in this gathering, and a girl mentioned something about sins and that we shouldn't ever lose hope of ourselves and that Allah not only forgives everything, but also accepts us after going back a million times. What stuck in my head is a word she said, God created us weak. We are not supposed to be strong. We are not supposed to be strong to be able to go through everything in life without any tiredness. I mean, if so, what’s the point of life in the first place? Where is the test in that? You already have muscles to carry 239840238 kilos, then why are you being competed? Don’t you think? We were created weak to fight, and fall, fight and build muscles, till we are strong enough, and once we are, then we've won, we've accomplished the mission God has created us to do by fighting our way to our goals, once we've done that we can die as martyrs, die as heroes and meet God winning. When that happens we deserve our prize which is paradise for infinity.

Add to that, one of the ways we build our muscles through life is accompanying The Strong. God is the only strong one, God is the one who created all those obstacles, then for sure He is above them all. And if I want to pass those obstacles I need to be beside Him. كن جوار الرامي تنجو. Stay beside the one who aims the arrow and nothing will get you down.

It’s just my obsession about strength, I've finally found the answer. I don’t have to be strong because I will never be enough to pass what’s awaiting me in the future as each level is harder than the one before, but one thing I believe in, is that if I always make God number one in all my worries and questions, He with all His strength will never let me down, He will even give me more strength than I've asked for or ever dreamed of. You see He is Malik El-Molk, giving all his creations everything they need wouldn't lessen any more than a drop in the ocean of what He owns subhanahu wata’ala.

Yours,
Rahma Fateen

Dear Daisy -2

Ob·liv·i·on əˈblivēən
noun: the state of having forgotten.

Augustus Waters' biggest fear, not mine, I don't believe such thing exists, unless all the people you've met throughout your life died and you're a really bad person. Hard chance.

Anyway, my biggest fear is the chance that all of this being a lie. Not heaven and hell and those stuff, I mean the things I make myself believe in to have a positive life. AKA "You're a good soul, Rahma", "You will be a great person one day", "You were destined to leave a mark", "Your dreams will come true", "You can"...etc

What if they are not true? What if I die normally on my bed, family around me, sobbing on my state, unlike what I dream of, dying like a warrior, full of bruises and war wounds, soaked with blood and holding a flag of peace and tawheed . What if I don't go into a war? What if I was replaced? 

I read a quote before that says "The main reason of failure is the fear of failure" but apparently I can't do anything about it. I just keep moving towards my goal, believing its there waiting for me, (with a 1% chance its false) but I go on anyway, then I die. Either smiling because I achieved what I wanted in life and thinking that I'll finally meet the Greatest God of ever. Or having tears trickling down my cheeks because I failed, miserably. 

I hope it's the first vision, though. Pray for me.

Yours, now and always,
Rahma Fateen

Dear Daisy

Dear Daisy,


You know when we hear stories of the Sahaba Rudwan Allahi ‘Alihim (may God be blessed with them) loving to do taa’t (submissions) and the prophet (PBUH) telling Sayidna Bilal Radiy Allahu ‘Anhu (may God be blessed with him) “أرحنا بها بلال”about the Salaah, we never imagined their high state of Iman (faith), we’d think it’s impossible to become even half what they are, we’d feel that praying the five prayers only, every single day, was tiring and we’d do it because we have to, or not do it at all. But when we get in the state of admiring the nature around us, God’s creation, when we start cherishing the small beauties around us, the beauty of the clouds in winter, how the birds chirp in melody so sweet, and just meditate, we will start to feel like the Sahaba, like yalla I can’t wait for the call of the next prayer, I can’t wait for sujood in particular, the sitting between the two sajdas is the longest half minute in my life, I can’t wait to become so close to God and talk to Him, whisper all my wishes.

Daisy, I tell you, if the only reward I’d get for listening to Allah’s orders and doing good deeds and trying to stop bad deeds, if the only reward is to see God’s face in the day of Judgment, it would be enough, to me, I assure you. That’s my biggest hope. That’s why God is the most generous, He not only rewards us with the look of His Sacred face, but also infinite blessings in Jannah. I really wish I get to the state of admiration, pray I do, please. And you go on with it till you feel so insignificant besides the universe, till you feel that life is insignificant and that all the lifely desires aren't of any worth in comparison of what is awaiting us in the after life.


God bless you, love.


Yours,
Rahma Fateen

The hunger striker.

Today only, I ate beans and bread for breakfast, then went to school and ate chips and a chocolate bar, two hours later I ate fries and cake, then a burger sandwich and cake once more, then bread filled with chocolate. I went back home and ate my dinner, rice, meat, mashed potatoes and salad. As a dessert I had an orange and a chocolate bar. I admit I did eat too much today, but on normal days, I don't eat any much less. That's about me, a teenager from an average family who doesn't have any health problems.
I'm not here to talk about me anyway, I'm here to talk about Mohamed Soltan, a 26-year-old Egyptian American who has been falsely imprisoned in the coup's jails, just because he shouted out his opinion in the street.
Let me talk about his today. Today, he counts 191 days in jail, his 37th day through his hunger strike.
Research say that after two weeks of hunger strikes, symptoms such as extreme hunger, dizziness, exhaustion, inability to stand up and muscle atrophy start to appear. Also, slowed heartbeat, sensation of thirst, constantly feeling cold (no thick covers available in jail), vomiting and difficulty with vision.
Mohamed passed all that, Mohamed is in his 4th week, which brings along more serious problems as vertigo, uncontrollable eye movements and double vision. We believe in him. We know he's strong enough to go through this but his continuation awaits him life-threatening symptoms. There are reports or hearing loss and blindness after six weeks, and if one goes on, there comes the risk of death from heart failure or build up of toxins.
Compare what you eat everyday with whats happening to Mohamed. It's not stupid of him to put himself in all this, it's stupid of the government to jail him with no sensible charges.
His family and friends are trying to do everything possible with the US Embassy, but apparently, his American nationality isn't helping (Read his letter to President Obama)

What you can do is pray pray pray and pray. Sign this petition and spread the word!
Share this everywhere, follow Soltan's news on Facebook and Twitter and tell everyone about it. Imagine your brother in his place.
Use the hashtags #FreeSoltan #Free_Soltan and show support, thats whats keeping him going!

Source: www.geekosystem.com/hunger-strike-effects/
Rahma Fateen

Literal lift of heart

My biggest problem for a long time has been lack of messages from God. My friends used to tell me that they're there, it was me who didn't see them. I didn't like this opinion, because when I asked them to point them out for me, they couldn't.
I stayed in this state for a huge period of time, all depressed and miserable, why doesn't God give me any attention like everyone else? Am I that small in God's eyes that He doesn't want to send me even a small message that will brighten my life again?

On time, I was talking about this issue in my favorite Facebook group, as usual, they gave me good replies that would really help me, but I got a lot of such things from my friends, it didn't do a change. I wanted something from God.
Saddened from the fact that nothing is touching my heart anymore and I'm almost becoming a body without a soul, I closed the Facebook tab and went to do something fun, to forget my sorrows. The internet was kinda slow, while I was waiting, I looked beside me to my sister's computer, there, was a picture text written: "God wasn't silent, you stopped hearing Him."
If I had a soul I would've cried, but I swear my heart lifted in my chest. I felt it. My heart started beating fast and I didn't even wait for the internet to load, I shut it and went to cry from happiness. I love Allah.

Ever since that incidence, which was around three days ago, I read, or may I say, 'heard' three different messages from Allah. And believe me, it's the best feeling ever. Even though the messages came on the grave of my favorite activities I do while I know they're wrong, but I finally got a message from God! I was totally ready to get rid of everything bad I do and do jihad on myself to meet with those messages. Allah wants me.
Alhamdulillah



Rahma Fateen

On Ramadan, Satan and yourself.

Ramadan Kareem lovelies! How are you all?
My life has been extremely busy this summer I actually like it, also plus all the events going on in Egypt and stuff, I barely have time to post.

Anyways, here I am! To say hi and also talk about this thing that rung a bell in my head this Ramadan.

عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال:" إذا جاء رمضان فتحت أبواب الجنة، وغلقت أبواب النار، وصفدت الشياطين."

"When the month of Ramadan starts, the gates of heaven are opened and the gates of Hell are closed and the shaitaans are chained."

So, as you see, no shaitaans for a whole month! Double bonus points!

Good news: No shaitaan will tell you to do bad things in this holy month = no bad deeds

Bad news: You can't blame shaitaan on bad things you do.

Good news: (and the reason why i'm writing) You will be able to identify your bad habits and stop them!

Have you ever asked yourself why is there Ramadan? Like besides getting double+ the thawab (reward) in everything you do.

What I believe, is that Ramadan is a chance to know yourself, control it and fight it. It makes you think twice before doing anything. Now that we agreed there are no shaitaans telling you to do things.

*Usual plot: You swear/curse, for example, the go "oops, we're in Ramadan!" every. single. time.

*Correct plot: BEFORE you swear/curse you tell yourself "no, we're in Ramadan."

What's the difference?

In the first situation, you did the thing you're used to do like a robot without thinking, then reminded yourself it's wrong when it's already done, but since you didn't stop yourself once, you never do.

In the second situation, before you do what you're used to do, you stop. By stopping, which needs work, you awe-knowledge the fact that you're doing something wrong, you get to discover your bad habits. Then you control yourself by not doing what you're used to do. Apparently, you do it every time so you wont ruin the work you've once did.

It is scientifically proven that the human beings needs exactly 20 days to change/start a habit, so cheers! By the end of Ramadan (30 days) you'll be mastering your bad habits and become someone new!

Just think. Easy right?

Rahma Fateen

Endlessness

"Everything has an end." I thought while playing through my newly cut hair. Only that the end of my hair was so short it made me dive through deeper thoughts about death. Also, I just finished reading a book that cannot be described by words and I have oceans of troubled feelings that doesn't have enough space to be poured out.

Believing deeply that everything exists with wisdom behind it, I find myself quite confused on why things exist if they will end one day, and forever is an incorrect concept. Sometimes I like to think that the world is actually only Adam and Eve and everyone is just an extension of a person before them. We don't do things for ourselves, we only continue what people before us were doing. We are all just side effects of an evolutionary process that cares little for individual lives.
I think that we exist for the universe and the universe doesn't owe us anything. But we all get it wrong. People are just working for themselves, torturing the universe which wants to be noticed and cared for. What I think is that life is just about who will mark deeper in the ground to be remembered, and by that I mean leaving a scar in the universe, because that's what pleases humans.

As it pleases humans, not being remembered is their utmost fear. Some people will die and no one will remember them, and that is just a waste of a soul. Memories bring pain and because pain demands to be felt, it forms a scar. Everyone who dies creates a scar in the heart of whoever remembers them. To make your thread of personhood grand, you got to leave a deep scar in the universe, that will make up on you noticing it, by making everyone else remember you.

*Special thanks to the inspirational John Green.
Rahma Fateen

Maybe it's all a joke. Ft. Soraya Rady

Now that I don't care
there's nothing I could hold

I've always wished for it
and now it's here
it's breaking me up
there's nothing I could feel

What I kept for all those years
is making me not care
they kept me alone and in tears
I forgot how they taste
the fake smiles on my face
now that my wish came true
I don't know what to do..

Can't get it out my heart
it's haunting me.. breaking me apart
possessed by the ghost within
I'm blank, I think I'm a sin
I'm a mistake to the world
and I shouldn't be here...
why does everything turn this way..
why is everything so black?

They're saying I should be happy
I just can't
not even sad, I can't cry
I owe this world nothing, but
I don't wanna die...

Although it's getting harder..
but there are people for me
they love me for myself..
what if it's a pretend...
what if it's not real

I can't appreciate it
but I'm faking it the hard way
after all this I want to say
I feel so cold and untrue

you smile and say it's alright..
but I don't feel okay...
falling from the high heights..
there's nothing I could say anymore...
maybe it's all a joke


--20/5 --On the bus, on our way to Biology exam.
Soraya Rady, Rahma Fateen

No post of agony, just dedication

Just a few days ago, I got this weird love boost, it all happened in bed with my head on the pillow. I suddenly felt a great desire of going to Palestine, (which is my biggest wish since long) but this time I felt tears on my cheeks. I have no idea why. They say that people sometimes might cry because they want something so bad, I never believed them till then. I didn't want to go there for a visit only. Of course I'd like to visit but what I felt at that moment was something greater. I want to die there. I can live all my life here, in Egypt, but I want to drop dead in Palestine. By an Israeli. After provoking him. After praying in Al-Aqsa mosque.
It isn't just a dream of a 14 year old girl. Girls my age dream of meeting their celebrity crush. This is different. It's a cause I'm living by.
Anyhow, that night, I don't know if I should describe it as terrible or terrific, I had this weird dream.
I was there, with my youngest brother and mom. Two soldiers were raising their guns to our faces, this close to shooting us. I was carrying my little brother in my arms, bringing him close to me, as if trying to keep him safe. My mom suddenly let out a cry of pain, she pleaded the soldier not to kill the little kid and kill her instead. Then she told him something I don't quite remember. She told him that there was something he badly wanted on the roof of the house beside us. The Israeli didn't believe her. She told him to go check for himself. He told her to come along so he would kill her if she was lying.
I was so afraid for her, I had no idea what she was talking about but I was scared. They went up the house, as I pulled my brother closer. Halfway up before they reached the roof, I heard a gunshot. I wasn't sure if the guy killed mom or mom killed the guy. I woke up frightened. I didn't know if I should be happy or sad. Even if mom had died, they would've killed me afterwards and my wish would've come true. But I never knew what happened next.
What occupied my thoughts after I woke up was the scene. Palestinians actually live in such fright every single day? I couldn't continue sleeping that night only because of a dream, how do I think they live everyday with such incidents as common as one may imagine? No wonder Palestinian women, children and men are the bravest of all.
I shut all the imagining as I heard the call for Fajr. I dropped the blankets off me, deciding that I'm going to Palestine with the first chance that comes.
God wills.
Rahma Fateen

To the most dear

I said I loved hugs because I missed yours, hoping that you'll reward me with one. I'm not really sure why I thought that I ought to be rewarded. I don't even deserve it. I never felt this bad in my life. I feel that I've lost you forever. No more of your soft comforting talks that prove me wrong every time but I don't care! No more of your cute innocent pokes that was my idea at first and you copied me, but I love them! Every single time you do something kind to me I reject it because it makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed of treating you this way when you should have been treated like an angel.
I started loving hugs when I saw the truth of them in your eyes. How did I even think that you might be a bad person? Here I am playing the role I thought you were. I'm the bad person now.
You are my scale, when I started getting less attached to you then I'm definately doing something wrong. When I'm by your side, then I'm on the safe side. Unfortunately, I never realised this until I lost you.
We never appreciate things until we lose them and my experience just proved that the same thing goes with people. I left you all this time until I became a hopeless case. I feel it from you actions that you lost hope trying to get me back. And here I am, sobbing, pleading you to forgive me. I don't know what's up with all the rudeness I've been at lately, I was blindfolded, but the crystals of my tears are clearing my view again.
I'm sorry by all the means of it.
I also promise you that this is purely something from my heart. I realized we get each other better in letters than in voices, so I gotta make it that way. I'm writing this here, although I never wrote an indirect post before, but because you aren't like everyone else, and I caused myself and you pain I never caused anyone before.
It's your right whether you want to forgive me or not, though I'm sure you're not like me, you're a forgiver. However, I'll accept whatever you choose, but you must know that I need you more than you have ever imagined or ever will.
Whatever I write on here and no matter how much I write, we both know that I know you more than anyone else. You know me too. So when I say that I need you and miss you just for the sake of it, then I really do!
I'm never forgiving myself.
Wish you the best of everything and the absolute happiness in your lifetime! x

Rahma Fateen

The Red.

I'm in an English class, although what I'm doing is so dangerous (yeah, our teacher is evil, i'm not allowed to do anything else but listen to her boring rants) but whatever.
Anyway, as Valentine's Day is two days from today, naturally, our teacher was talking to us about it and how we are going to celebrate it and stuff.

What I don't understand is, Valentine's is something like a love day, do people hate each other all year long? I seriously don't get it. It might be, I dunno what it might be?!
The point is that people get the word 'love' in a, I don't want to say wrong, but rather weird way. Why does the color red express love? Red is the color of blood. Isn't it kinda ironic? And roses. All gifts in general. How do you think will the poor feel in Valentine's when all couples gift each other expensive gifts while they don't have enough money to buy a chocolate bar? Lonely people and widows? When everyone out there knows that its an international love day, what would you think of a guy/girl not celebrating it for any reason? You, not you the reader, but some people will judge them as if they're not loved, which is far from true. People who really are lonely, will feel left out and hated themselves because everyone around them are celebrating it with someone they love. And I'm sure you all know what I mean by celebrating here.
Basically, what is the use of the day in the beginning? We love people everyday. It's not that couples, for example, don't gift each other all year long and wait for the 14th of February to get their lovers a gift! Coming to think of it, it's kinda pathetic.

** I'm not against it though, everyone's free to do whatever they want.
On a side note: I'm celebrating Valentine's day with my teady bear who wont buy me anything, solidarity with the poor (also because it can't, whatever)

Rahma Fateen

Band aid for a soul?

At some point in our lives, we'll stop faking happiness and realise that life beats out all the happy moments whether we like it of not. What do we even benefit from faking? Yeah it is a way of convincing ourselves to be happy, but we're the first people who know that it's fake, that it's not true.
It's like wrapping a gloomy gift with a beautiful wrap, what's the use? It'll cost much and wont please anyone at the end. Maybe a temporary pleasure because of the beautiful sight of a smiling face, but if we don't unwrap ourselves, someone eventually will, and it will hurt.

Whatever a broken, hurt soul is covered by, even if it's gold and jewels, it will be eaten up sooner or later. Because a scratched soul experienced the bad things in life. It knows that life isn't something to smile and laugh about. Consequently  an infected soul, cannot live in a life full of germs without joining it and exposing itself, even if covered with a million something layers. It'll eat them up then be hurt more until there is no more hope but still stay getting hurt until its time for it to die and vanish.

Rahma Fateen

Nay to selfishness

Sometimes when I'm miserable, staring at the ceiling, thinking deeply of the reasons why I'm so blue, I discover that every single time i'm sad, from different situations, its because of selfishness. Every time I try to please myself the most and expect people to cope with my wishes (and they don't) I don't think of what my wishes my cause them, what are their excuses for refusing  I just think that I'm not loved and that they don't want me happy and eventually make myself miserable. And that, is completely untrue. It's just that everyone looks at the same situation from different views  I might not imagine them all (and here comes their role of explaining) but I must keep their opinions into consideration, because mostly (unfortunately) in the future, I discover that their opinions were (slightly) right.

Anyway, what I want to say, is that we shouldn't live to please ourselves only. We live to get good deeds, and we get good deeds by helping others and pleasing them. So why not save all the sadness and stop thinking of ourselves for sometime, and try to please others? At the end you'll be pleased of pleasing others which makes it all good and fair.
I know our desires are so tempting, but that's the challenge in it.

Rahma Fateen

Kate Entry: Before the mind explodes

Life is unfair, but it's God who decides our life, and God is fair, so why does He do this to us?

Why is it always the good people who suffer the most?
Why are the people who try their hardest to get closer to God are the most people who lose?
Why are the good people not always happy?
Why are the bad people happy the most?
Why do bad people enjoy their lives like its no trouble?
Why do we love the people who hate us and hate the people who love us?
Why do we care for people who don't give a damn about us and ignore those who care for us?
Why do we hate?
Why is there war?
Why do we lose the ones we love?

Is it because God is saving the best for us at the end?
Is it because this life is just a test and we should aim to score high?
Is it because God loves us?
Is it because God wants us to prove to Him that we love and appreciate what He gives us?
Is God letting us pass by these things so we can think this way?

Why does God love us even after all the bad things we do?
Why does God forgive us after we repeat the same sin many times?
Are we that precious?
Shouldn't we love God the same?
How can we show God that we love Him?
I love God.
God gave us a lot and I'm ready to give as much as I can in return.
I want to see God.
The Great God who planned for every single small detail in our lives.
I want to meet Him.
I want to thank Him.
I want to cry begging for His forgiveness and seeking His mercy.

We are nothing compared to Him, yet we forget.
We are such ignorant fools.
I hate us.

Rahma Fateen