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Sunday, November 22, 2015

Dear Daisy -4

...
I'm worried about me though. Daisy, I'm in my worst state in my whole life. Nothing physical, and actually nothing even mental either. Like when I look at it I feel like I can't put my hands on the problem itself to fix it.

I'm lost. Like a baby who lost his mama. I lost my soul. The light in my soul, I'm not attracted to anything, I have no interests or hates. I don't know what I want from myself and from the world. I don't know what to do or where to go, I don't know myself.
I don't know why I'm such a fuss over nothing, people have expectations and everyone sees me somewhere and I don't know where I belong.
I'm empty. Empty from the inside, hence when someone talks to me or comes to me for help I have nothing to say, and when I actually try my words come out so messed up, weird, scattered and unrelated, just like its source, each part of it is somewhere God knows where and I can't locate them.
The things that used to make me special are all gone, and it took with it even everything that is ordinary, leaving me without any maps or keys to doors that are half open or that are yet undiscovered.

I'm walking on a road, my problem isn't that the road is full of obstacles, I know I'm strong and with help from God I'll face whatever is awaiting me (Inshaallah), the point is that the road under my feet is looking just like the grass on either sides, I no more see details. I have the flashlight just below my feet so that I could survive and take the next step, but my life doesn't have enough light to show me my way so that I can plan and aspire ahead of me. My soul hasn't any light and I don't even know the type of batteries that fit inside me. I have different kinds and sets and all are available, but I don't know which works with my heart.

...

I was going to end this letter right now, not willing to trouble you any further with a hopeless case, but I was just speaking with a very wise friend and realized something.

I think I know why I feel that way. Whenever I feel something, distress, fear, loss, hate, love or anything, I hurry to tell someone. Indeed I do choose people carefully, but what if its not (people) whom I should express to?

Whatever or however I explain my minor feelings or thoughts to someone, then we discuss it, and reach a conclusion to the reason why I feel/think so, it's never true.
I, myself, was created incomplete and in the process of discovering my jewels throughout my life, how do I expect people to understand? Not undermining anyone, but whatever conclusion we reach, both the experience of the listener and description of the speaker (me) is never going to be accurate. Never.

Why?

Because feelings are so complicated, no one knows them as much as their Creator, who knows and remembers the past, present and future of it's holder.
I reached this state because I've been seeking wrong refuge for my insecurities. I've been looking for the wrong cure. Like a baby who silences it's cries in hugs of many women, but only feels satisfaction in his real mom's arms.

My arrows have always been disorienting me, and I'm happy with any lead, then later wondering why I'm lost.

Hahhaha.

I'm happy with this explanation I've reached, finally got to outline my problem. Alhamdullah.



Yours,
Rahma Fateen

1 comment:

أحمد زيدان said...

السلام عليكم ..
تعليقًا على آخر ما تم نشره على مدونتكم ..
قال الله عز وجل : " أَلَا إِنَّ أَوْلِيَاءَ اللَّهِ لَا خَوْفٌ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا هُمْ يَحْزَنُونَ "
والولاية لا تكون إلا باثنتين : بالاجتهاد في إتمام الفرائض على أكمل ما يستطيعه العبد (وأعظمها الصلاة) ، ثم الترقي في النوافل من ذكر وقيام وصيام وصدقات و...
فإذا جاهد الإنسان في ذلك فله من الله التوفيق والرشاد ، ومن يبدأ من غير ذلك الطريق فهو واهم ، لن يصل.
عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال : قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم : ( إن الله تعالى قال : من عادى لي وليا فقد آذنته بالحرب ، وما تقرّب إليّ عبدي بشيء أحبّ إليّ مما افترضته عليه ، وما يزال عبدي يتقرّب إليّ بالنوافل حتى أُحبّه ، فإذا أحببته كنت سمعه الذي يسمع به ، وبصره الذي يبصر به ، ويده التي يبطش بها ، ورجله التي يمشي بها ، وإن سألني لأعطينّه ، ولئن استعاذني لأعيذنّه ، وما ترددت عن شي أنا فاعله ترددي عن نفس المؤمن يكره الموت وأكره مَسَاءته ).
بدأ الله بقوله من عادى لي " وليًا " ... هؤلاء هم أولياء الله الّذين لا خوف عليهم ولا هم يحزنون.
وأقول أنه لن يصل إلى هذه المرتبة إلا من عَلِم ، وإلا فكيف يعمل من لايعلم ؟! ، قال الله : "وَمَا يَعْقِلُهَا إِلَّا الْعَالِمُونَ" آواخر العنكبوت 43 ، وكيف يصبر من لا يعلم ؟! ، قال الله : "وَقَالَ الَّذِينَ أُوتُوا الْعِلْمَ وَيْلَكُمْ ثَوَابُ اللَّهِ خَيْرٌ لِّمَنْ آمَنَ وَعَمِلَ صَالِحًا وَلَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا الصَّابِرُونَ "
قال النبي : " من يرد الله به خيرًا يُفقهه في الدين " ، وقال النبي : " خصلتان لا تجتمعان في منافق : حُسن سمت ولا فقه في الدين "
وقال النبي أيضًا : " فضل العالم على العابد كفضلي على أدناكم ، ثم قال : إن الله وملائكته وأهل السماوات والأرض حتى النملة في جحرها وحتى الحوت ليصلّون على معلم الناس خيرًا "
فإن استطعتي أن تسلكي طريق العلم فاسلكي ولاتلتفتي .
إذن : تفقه في الدين واجتهاد في الفرائض والنوافل يأتي بالولاية ، وساعتها سيجعلك الله حيث شاء وأنت راضية مطمئنة .. لا تيه ولا ضياع :)
أكثري من الدعاء واستهدي الله كثيرًا ( قال الله في الحديث القدسي : يا عبادي كلكم ضالٌ إلا من هديته فاستهدوني أهدكم ) وكلّما تقربتي إلى الله احمديه على ذلك كثيرًا .
رزقني الله وإياك ولايته !
ملحوظة عقائدية : " وما ترددت " لا يقصد بها تردد الله عن شئ قد قدّره ، سبحانه ! ".. لَيْسَ كَمِثْلِهِ شَيْءٌ ۖ وَهُوَ السَّمِيعُ الْبَصِيرُ " ، وإنما يُقصد بها كره الله عز وجل لمساءة وليّه :)